Wednesday, December 13, 2006

If you are walking away, walk away w/ your head high


Maybe it's my naivety and new newness to Competitive eating but I don't understand the why we are blowing the Sonya issue so far out of proportion. I've tossed this back and forth in my head for a few days, read allot of fodder about it on www.eatfeats.com and still don't understand. I know she is great, I've had the privilege to eat against her twice, she handed me my ass both times. But it was still an awesome thing to experience, it gave me the fuel to push my own personal limits and new techniques to try and see if I could copy, remember imitation is the greatest form of flattery.
My issue is this and this alone, we all chose when and how we want to go out. Barry Sanders went out on top, too early in my opinion; yes but who gives a F#@K what I think. I'm not him I've never taken the pounding of a professional football player and he knew what was right for him. I am trying to make the sacrifices necessary to be a great eater and it's not easy either. Maybe she's had enough of the sacrifices, let her walk away.
We made no bones about Ed Jarvis, or Badlands walking away we wished them good-bye and good luck. I see them brought them back every once in a while for guest appearances or as special council to decide the outcome of an eater...Did they walk away on top?!?! Maybe, maybe not, but we let them go w/ grace and the respect they deserved for paving the way for end tablers like me. Let's show her the same respect for laying the foundation for the next group of female and male eaters...

Monday, December 11, 2006

Cereal Bowl 2006

Seems the kids are jumping on the competitive eating band wagon...Since I qualified for Wing Bowl, we've had our own competition every morning "Cereal Bowl" every morning. The competition is between my 6 year old and my 3 year old...It's so damn funny...I have to count them down and be a judge. Seems the three year old it trying to bribe the judge to day w/ Kisses. It's one of the funniest things you'll ever see...

Tomorrow "Egg Bowl"

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

3lbs 5&1/3 ounces in 43 seconds....I'M IN BABY

It's official...I'm in Wingbowl. I don't ever toot my own horn but it was a good run, 43 seconds by my "official" time keeper 48 seconds according to WIP. Either way it went well. I was nervous and had horrendous cotton mouth. But as soon as the beans hit my mouth it felt like I was in a zone. I was quite happy w/ how everything went. In typical fashion Angelo was riding me about my name and my older wing Kong Shirt, this that and the other. But after the stunt his attitude changed quite a bit. I'm pretty sure he was quite happy and feels that I will represent quite well.
A while after my stunt Steakbellie went, w/ a 2 foot hoagie a half gallon of Lemonade and a small bag of chips....All I can say about this was WOW. He absolutely owned that stunt today. I've seen SteakBellie eat many times either in contests or all of the times we have trained together and never have I witness him rip through something that well. He literally owned that stunt I was more than impressed w/ him today I was amazed.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Apparently 46 isn't good enough

Well I did my second run of the baked beans and I was quite happy, 3lbs in 46 seconds but apparently this isn't good enough for you die hard fans of competitive eating. I know allot of you have mentioned that if I didn't do it to break the record it was really a worthless stunt. I disagree, I am doing this to get into the Wing Bowl not a baked bean eating contest. I asked around and it was more or less confirmed that it would not count if I did break the record. People may acknowledge I did it but it would not be official, so I see no reason to go to the extreme in this specific situation and potentially screw up my chances of getting into Wing Bowl. Most of you have commented on Dale Boone's record of 84 ounces in 1:52. and Don Lerman's 6lbs (96 ounces mind you) in 1:46. So I ask why is everyone pushing Dale's record when his is less weight and a slower time. If by chance I get a shot at a baked bean eating contest in the future I think I'll fair quite well, but until the sun shines on this dogs ass we all will have to be satisfied w/ 3lbs in around 45 seconds...Because Angelo and Al are.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Wing bowl





Seems all I write about anymore is cartoons that make me laugh and Pictures w/ satirical remarks...But not anymore. OK who am I kidding I love those things...But I did my first trial run of my wing bowl stunt. I did a run of baked beans, 3lbs in 1:06. I was quite happy with this for a few reasons. First because it was my first run and as we all know you work the kinks out. And I think I have a few ways to cut down that time by 10-15 seconds. The second reason is I really am feeling good about how I have grown as an eater over the past two years...

Thursday, November 16, 2006

All of me

I have no possessions that are truly my own. I am like a stranger at a rich man's gate. What I have is borrowed, and even my knowledge is nothing but hand-me-downs, and an occasional oddity I pick up by chance. I pass it on to others like me."

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Suprise


Maybe it's me but my cereal seemed to taste a little tangy this morning

Monday, October 30, 2006

This really puts things in perspective

97...Sounds like an insignificant number. But it's not, in fact it's a number that has humbled me to a point at which I can not explain to you if you've never competed against a professional in any type of contest. Sounds odd I know, but hear me out. I played football in college with a DB who was drafted by the Atlanta Falcons. Now keep in mind I was a 285 lb. offensive lineman, that ran a Sub 5 forty (4.9 but still under 5), had a 27 inch vertical, benched 400 pounds and leg pressed 1000. This guy could make me look like his bitch on any given play at practice. He hit like a 300 pound Linebacker he was literally stronger than every lineman we had and was faster than out quickest wide out. During games it was actually fun watching him play.
Now to my point...this weekend I realized my place in professional eating. During the Krystal's hamburger eating contest, I watched Joey chestnut and Kobayashi eat 187 burgers 91 and 97 respectively. They absolutely shattered the record, but what was humbling was they broke the record by more than I ate (27 burgers). I honestly can not put into words how hard it is for me to fathom how much they ate, I'm in awe at there dedication and pure ability...once again in my like it's like watching men playing against a bunch of boys...

Friday, October 27, 2006

It's official...




It official Brooke Burke and I have broken up. I know your all wondering what could drive her from a catch like me... well I'm here to set the record straight before the rumors start flying. It seems she couldn't handle the roll playing anymore. This weekend I took her out on the "Boat" and we were going to play my favorite game of King and peasant but things got ugly before it even got started...One thing lead to another and I told her if she can't be my dirty little peasant once in a while then she can hit the bricks. She was very distraught losing a man like me, but we decided to remain "friends". I think she just want to keep me around for Booty calls....I'll keep you all updated on the progress of this story

Words I hear all to often


Except my names not Clyde...and I'm not a shark :)

Thursday, October 26, 2006

God Bless Sports Illustratrated

Christmas is coming - here's a gift suggestion for that special lady!

$30 Million Dollar Bikini

The most expensive piece of diamond apparel ever made is making its debut in the
2006 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. Designer Susan Rosen worked with Steinmetz
Diamonds to create the ultimate bikini, a special commission in collaboration with the swimsuit editors.
The bikini is made up of over 150 carats of D Flawless diamonds, some of the rarest in the world including ....
a 51ct D Flawless Pear Shape, a 30ct D Flawless Emerald Cut, a pair of 15ct D Flawless Rounds
and a pair of 8ct D Flawless Pear Shapes.
All of the diamonds are free of inclusions, or nature's birthmarks, making the sparkle and brilliance unsurpassable.
That, coupled with perfect D colored stones, which are set in platinum, makes the bikini truly extraordinary.
The diamond bikini is body jewelry that reflects the eternal love and beauty of women.
Not a lot of materials for $30 million.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Why you Love me

For some reason and I can't figure out why, I love to fck w/ people. It's something that just absolutely makes my day. Just today I was helping out one of our training classes. Now I'm simply there for Technical support if any is needed and I usually try to stay "out of site out of mind". But the new trainer tried ruffling my feathers this morning, by saying she was completely capable of handling any issues that may come up. I told her it was a bad idea especially on the first day w/ 10 people to be trained. She was very insistent that she really didn't need IT to do her job. So I left...
20 Minutes later the first call "so and so can't log in"...Obviously she didn't need my help before so I said, it would be about a half of an hour before I could get to it as I started a new project and was @ a point I couldn't take a break. She was pissed...5 minutes later another call, The profile needed to set set up...my response still going to be a while. Another couple of minutes go by and another call something about a printer and when can I get down there...My response "the more you bug me the longer it's going to take"...Realize this whole time I'm on newegg.com looking for a new HD and memory for my laptop. Finally I mosey on down and fix everything in about 4 minutes...and give her a big old wink and remind the class that if there are any computer related needs to call IS and not training...She was PISSED.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Request or Statement


Is she asking me or making a statement, either way the answer is YES...

You've met the man





Now meet the Legend




Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Looking for a new Nanny


Recently we started looking for a new Nanny and we got one a bunch of resumes. And one really stood out...But I'll be dammed if Pepe didn't tell me no and I can't figure out why. She cooks cleans seems wonderful w/ kids…

God Bless Tibet?!?!?! or Know the Tibetan Toe


This is my own version of Tibetan "Know the Toe". Ladies and Gentleman meet Metok Lhanzey, 20, who walks during the 'swimwear round' of Miss Tibet open to the public for the first time this year in Dharamsala. God bless the US and the way we liberate the world...Soon Metok and Paris will have there own show
Note the attendance of Tiger Woods over her left shoulder; guess he's already looking for a replacement...

Saturday, October 14, 2006

I'll miss you

I try to keep this blog relatively light and humorous, and if you know anything about me I wear my emotions on my sleeve. So I need to get this off my chest... On Wednesday I lost my great grandmother. Luckily it wasn't after a long battle w/ anything it was simply her body was old and tired. "I think her part were worn out" as my 6 year old son said. She was a strong woman who lived through the depression and more personal loss than any one person should have to live through. Looking back I realize it made her a stronger but lonely person and sometimes bitter person. Here is a brief history of her, and trust me with 98 years of life this may rival cliff notes; Marguerite was one of two twins born on May 8th 1908, her twin sister never made it past a few weeks of life. I don't know allot of her time as a youth because she never spoke of it much. I do know she lived through the depression but always made it sound like it wasn't that hard on her. But I know it affected her more than she led on. It was her mannerisms w/ money and food. She never spent frivolous or ate to the point of excess (how she ended up w/ a competitive eater I'll never know). It was like she was always saving things for another day. She was married and gave birth to her son Artie (my grandfather). She was quickly divorced after because as she put it "he was a momma's boy, so I sent him home to his momma". Artie was raised by my great great grand mother "little grand mom" who for the record lived to 104, not sure exactly why he lived w/ her but it was a conversation I dare to broach more than once and w/kid gloves on. But in typical Marge fashion I was told it was none of my business and move on. Artie in turn married Margie (my grandmother), but as fate would have it Artie was killed in a motor cycle accident when Margie was 7 months pregnant. Margie moved to Phoenix for health reason raised my mother alone, until she died when my mom was 16. My mom found her dead in bed one day. DJ (my mother) moved back to Jersey to finish H.S. with Marguerite and little gram. But again fate and its cruel ways struck for the second time, taking my mother from us when I was 12. This seemed to hit her pretty hard, but I wasn't around to see how any of the others affected her. My brother and I were adopted by close family friends but she was always a part of my life. She moved to Louisiana with her niece and sister where they lived for 5 years. When they returned to Jersey where her sister died shortly after and my cousin didn't want to take care of her anymore. So my wife and I took her in...Where she lived w/ us for almost 3 years. She went to the "Home" after a series of falls put her in a wheel chair. I felt incredibly lucky to have her in my life so long and even more fortunate to have my children (her great great Grandchildren) spend so much time with her. Though I think it was great for them to see a perspective of life they would never get from me or Pepe, it was even better for her. It seemed to give her a sense of purpose, almost something new to live for. And that purpose got her into 98 year of life.

So now I have to say goodbye to a woman who played many important roles in my life. Like mother figure when mine couldn't be around, a friend when I just needed to someone to talk to, family historian and the voice of reason when I was being a knucklehead. Some how her patented "YOU BIG DUMB OX" reeled me back in or just made me laugh and made me think...

Gram I love you and you will be missed...

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The Krystals Train is finally running

The Krystal's train just ran...Ran through me like grease through a goose.

Funny article...Seems Drexel Hill didn't represent like it should have
http://www.krystalsquareoff.com/headlines.php?s=38

I'm out of hiding

I went underground the last week to keep my training under wraps. For 2 reasons I thought I might be able to surprise somebody and pull off mid 30's. The only person I surprised was myself by stinking up the place...27. I was and am quite disappointed in myself. I believe deep down that I can be good @ eating...maybe not top 10 but definitely top 20.

So now what??? 3 things one get ready for Wing Bowl in Philly, 2 Meatballs in AC...And three Lose 30 pounds before the AC trip...I think this is what is holding me back...

Friday, September 22, 2006

I am having my own burger eating contest next








Recently Pep's dad (my father-in-law) was in town...To know Paps is to love him, but he's freaking insane. Apparently when I was not around he asked Pep, if she would like to buy a cow that one of his friends daughters raised. She placated him for a while asking how much and things of that nature assuming he was just blowing smoke. Guess what he wasn't...
He calls the house and here is how the conversation goes

Paps: "guess what? I bought the cow"
Me: "you bought a what?!?!?"
Paps: "I bought the cow"
Me: "what the F%&K would you buy a cow for"
Paps: "So we can eat it, Listen I paid a little more than what I expected so you guys owe me about $600.00. For the cow and to get it butchered"
Me: Silence....
Paps: "you there..."
Me: "yep....But I'm confused who the hell did I get involved in this"
Paps : "my daughter wanted in on it, Put her on the phone...Hey while I have you on the phone can your freezer hold about 300 pounds of meat"
Me: Silence...

Yep you guessed it, you are looking at the proud owner of a GD Cow

Suddenly there was light...

With 11 days left to train for Krystal's I was getting a little worried that this might not be "my food". My times were dropping instead of increasing; I wasn't feeling the groove we all know we get into. I kept thinking this is Nathan's all over again...

Last night I switched it up techniques one more time, and why not. Nothing was really working like I knew it should. Not that 20 in 3:30 is pathetic but it wasn't numbers I knew I was capable of. So I decided I would "borrow" a few things I've heard or witness from some really great eaters. I took something HB said in passing about using two hands, borrowed Steakbellie's shovel technique, and Pat B's music while I eat....I'll be damn it if it didn't finally pay off. Small run of 20 again...This time was 2:16.

I couldn't have been happier...Is it on par w/ the some of the greats; Bob, Joey, Sonya, Tim, Conti and Kobayashi...No, not even close. But it was a big step for me and I feel like I'm seriously back in the game...

Saturday is a run of 30 check back on Monday

Thursday, September 21, 2006

The closer I get, the Slower I go...

Seems the more I eat the slower I get...I did my second run on Tuesday and just shit the bed. 20 white Castles in 3:30 almost 20 seconds longer than the other day. I'm just not getting them wet enough, so I am going w/ a change. I am going w/ the two handed approach I figure if I soak the bun for an extra second or two before hand I won't get that back up in my throat and they should slide easier. I'm going for another run tonight w/ Steakbellie, it's another 20 burgers but I am shooting for under 3:00...I Should get it if I get the rhythm of it early...

Today’s stomach stretching was good. I feel like the capacity is there. I started w/ 1 quart of water in 30 seconds. I slammed down 2 ham and cheese rollups w/ a banana and 2 pounds of oatmeal. It took just over two minutes. Then I attempted the second two quarts of water. One full quart and about a third of the second I was spent...Great stretch.

There are ten day to go...And I'm changing my eating style. I feel like I'm changing quarterbacks before the super...I hope it doesn't screw me up.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

How many people can say...

How many people can say they have eaten an entire grocery store out of an entire food? Not many, you may get the last bag of chips or the frig pack of Pepsi when it's on sale...But you most certainly never walked in and bought 20 boxes of hamburgers/chesseburgers. And ate them all in a week. Watch out on the 10/1 it's on and a few people are going to be supprised...

Monday, September 18, 2006

13 days and counting

Saturday was interesting and disappointing...I did a timed run. 5 boxes (30 total burgers), I figured if I could get 20 in the first 3 minutes I was well on my way to my goal number of 40. I was nervous for some reason and I'm usually not for a simple training run. I think now that I've decided to take competitive eating to a new level. From simply a hobby to a real goal oriented task of cracking the IFOCE top ten, currently I'm 43rd.

Things started out great I felt comfortable and was moving @ a good pace...The first 17 went down like butter. My rhythm felt good. I was getting just enough water that it was 2 bites per burger and both went relatively clean. The occasional extra chew or two but nothing to raise concern. 18 hit and I didn't dunk it long enough and it was dry. It got stuck in my esophagus, not enough to block my air way but enough that I needed to chug some water. I figured I needed to treat this as game day situation, so I had to find a way to fight through it...19 went down but I could feel it stacking up. 20 went down in 3:11 and made it way right back out at 3:12...I frigin puked...Not allot and I probably could have swallowed it down and went further...But swallowing my own puke if for game day only...The good part was a I wasn't full. Not even close. I actually chugged about a half gallon of water after...To make up for the ten I didn't finish.

It was annoying and somewhat of a setback, but a good learning experience

Friday, September 15, 2006

Words of wisdom from a 6 year old

Last night I said to my son "Time flies like an arrow" he immediately replied w/ out an ounce of hesitation or thought “fruit flies like a banana"...I Pissed my pants for 5 minutes and he had no clue why until I explained it...

God I love the subtle combination of youth and innocence…

Competitive Eating in My World

In my world, the sick little one it is, I wish competitive eating was like the WWE. Now before you get some crazy idea in your head of chairs across the back and flips off the ropes. I simply mean good guys/bad guys and a some trash talk w/ a medium for people to check in on it...Follow there favorite eater (me of coarse)

Yesterday I was doing a little trash talking w/ Steakbellie and it was harmless and I actually enjoyed it...But I got to thinking, I would be such an awesome bad guy. I would rattle and rile up the other eaters through a web page, youtube or even TV spots and interviews promoting the next competition/event...

My new name as a bad guy is Carnage...And I think I will have dual personalities just to keep people on there toes...

Thursday, September 14, 2006

17 days until Krystals

Today's training went well, 4 good sized chicken breasts, Can of Chili, and 2 baked potatoes. And a half gallon of water...about 6 minutes. I'm not as uncomfortable as I was last week after the water so I think the stretching is working.

I am modifying my training regiment a bit...I was conversing w/ another eater quite an impressive one I might add, but will remain nameless as I don't know if he would want to be named, He gave me a few ideas...We shall see...

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Where are they now???






Anyone know where Matt Leblanc (Joey) got his start...Accuradio of coarse!!!!

From the mouths of Pups



I finally have a way to reason w/ people about my cigars...

First Mini Run (18 days Til D-Day)

Last night I bought some burgers just to see how they went down...and what technique I was going to use. So I took the advise of another eater and warmed them up how he said but because they were frozen I left them in a little long than I think I should have...The tops had a hard crust on top and the inside was really cold.

I decided I was going to time this just for S&Gs. Mainly to see just how much water they sucked up, how many bites it would take and they went down. I started the clock and dove right in, to my surprise even w/ the hard top it was two bites and maybe one chew on the second bite before the swallow...I was happy. I dug right into the second and the third w/ delight, as these were so much easier than those damn Nathans Hot Dogs. For the 4th, 5th and 6th I tried to get a rhythm going using both hands to dunk then shovel...It was quite awkward. I am going to work on that tonight...Over all it took 51 seconds, I'm not sure quite how that will work out for me in an 8 minute contest but I think it was a solid start...Tonight is round 2 30as quick as I can w/ me noting what number I'm at in the 3 minute range....I'm hoping for 20 but we will see tomorrow

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

3 things....(19 days til Krystals)

1: I know the chemical brothers are all techno and what not, but damn it the bass in those damn songs Frigin rock...
2: I don't care who wrote all the songs for Courtney Love she, she tears it up and I would love her to take some of that anger out on me while she rides me...
3: Training Kicked my ass today.....I took what I call the Takeru Kobayashi approach. I call it this because I saw a special on him and who better to model your training after than the best. Obviously I modified it a little. I did 5 pounds of Rice today...and used a half gallon of water to wash it down @ the same time and chugged the rest to finish it off. 6 minutes...For the love of God it hurt...But I know this is going to pay off in the end...

Friday, September 08, 2006

23 days until Krystals

Today’s training was tuff...I had a small reversal of Fortune @ work, more on that later

I started w/ a quart of water again, it took me about thirty six seconds, I'm still in awe @ Joey Chestnut doing the gallon of milk for wing bowl in 47 seconds but digress. I immediately dove into 5 McDonald's cheese burgers quartered. My theory was that I was trying to make them somewhat like the Krystals burgers, but it didn't work. That took me 2 minute 37 Seconds. I felt good as I jumped right into the second Quart of water, as I was drinking it I walked to the water cooler to refill the first one I emptied. When I finished the second quart I had only filled up the third quart container. So I began to chug.... I was dieing trying to swallow the last little bit of water when I realized it, “I'm going to lose this, and I’m going to lose this NOW”. I told myself I need to hold this down and get a good stretch in. Burp after burp and gag, I held fast for almost ten minutes, suddenly I looked over at my poor lonely and empty trash can and lost it right in my office…

Tomorrow will be better

And you know it's gotta be true

Thursday, September 07, 2006

The Beginning of Krystal's Journey

Today was my first real day of trying to stretching stomach. I started off w/ quart of water, followed by two Baked Potatoes and a dollar menu Chili from Wendy's. Then another quart of water....Wow talk about uncomfortable, but definitely bearable and seems to be a great starting point for me...

I know not to many people read this but for the few that do. I am training for Krystal’s (October 1st) and am trying to find some people, preferably eaters who can help me w/ a few techniques on Stomach stretching. Specifically how often is recommended and what should I use (e.g. Work up to a gallon a water a day or jello x times a week)....I will also be documenting the training for the next 24 days right here....

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Nothing Better than Florida in August

Something’s are suicide...Playing w/ Stingrays is one for obvious reasons (RIP Steve). But Florida in August during Hurricane season is definitely there...Ernesto thanks for ruining Latka’s vacation and not mine...

Friday, August 25, 2006

To pole or not to pole...That is the Question

What 3 year old gets a manicure Pedicure????

Tea for Two

Peaches has a tea party today...Seems half of Drexel Hill has a tea party...
Seems peaches needed a manicure pedicure before hand...Must be one hell of a tea party. Sounds like a frigin prom if you ask me.....

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Planes Traines and Automobiles















Seem I have an expensive mistress...Damn Peep's gonna be pissed about this one...First Astronomy, then Fishing, after that Fly Fishing and fly tying, Followed closely by the salt water tank, Not to be out done my Car, and last, but you can bet your sweet ass not even close to least (or last for that matter)....RC airplanes.

Updates to follow on this one

They stole my childhood

Today we lost a friend...On the same day I lost my new helpdesk smuck. I'm one of the easiest mother F'er to work for if you can have a bit of thick skin for my ball busting...But that's neither here nor there...

Seems Pluto got demoted...Please tell me how?!?!??! I know it's small, Hell I know it's not necessarily round and has a Partner (sounds like Smokey Joe). But for the love Pete...That is one of the biggest demotions in history...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20060824/sc_space/breakingnewsplutodemotednolongeraplanet

I need these guys to train me for Wing Bowl

I love this video...It's long but so worth it...

I think my next 15 minutes of fame will be compliments of youtube...and a jump out of my first floor window onto my kids Trampoline, or a leap off of Steakbellie's garage through a table...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv5zWaTEVkI

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

3 hookers and some roll playing

We are leaving for Disney in a few days and I'm really excited. We have this little ditty set up where SC and I swim w/ Dolphins and he gets to get them to do tricks for him...It should be a great time. Then it's off to dinner w/ the Processes, if you would have told me 5 years ago I would be having dinner w/ a bunch of hotties dressed as Cinderella and Snow white and some other dingy broad. I can guarantee you I would have said hell no...Unless it was w/ three hookers I paid extra to roll play...But that's another story...

Monday, August 21, 2006

In the end...

In the end We all die alone...I don't care how many friends and family you have at your bedside in the cold dark moment, You will die just as alone as the news paper lined homeless man who takes his last breath in a cardboard box...

Thursday, August 17, 2006

It has begun...

Today is the day...You might ask yourself what day besides Tuesday...Today is the day I start trying to lose weight, Train for the Triathlon and get my big ass ready for Krystals...I feel I'm @ a point in my eating where I need to increase on my speed and capacity especially.

Today I had Oatmeal for Breakfast and almost a half gallon to go...Jesus that hurt and I feel like shit....Anybody out there know how many days a week I can safely train w/ water???

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

FROM 9 to 12!!!!!!

For sometime I've been worried that we might be losing one of our most elusive and mysterious planets in our lonely little solar system (sarcasm implied). Pluto, they thought she was too small and not round enough...But through the infinate wisdom of the "The International Astronomical Union's Planet Definition Committee" I have nothing to fret about anymore...Here is the rule explaining what qualifies a planet....

"A planet is a celestial body that (a) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, and (b) is in orbit around a star, and is neither a star nor a satellite of a planet." [full text]

In plain language, if it's round and it orbits the Sun, then it's a planet.

Here is you new list of planets good luck as it will grow exponetially
Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Ceres, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto and Charon (a double planet) and 2003 UB313.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Sssoooo True

Do I really need to say more?!?!?! I think not

The Zenith of Contest

I have decided to hold the mother of all contests....
The winner of this contest will get to spend 24 scintillating hours w/ the most aesthetically pleasing eater in the world WING KONG....
Contest Rules to follow

Monday, August 14, 2006

The good the Bad and the Ugly

There are times in life when you show up and don't have your "A" game...And that happens
Then there are days when you show up and have your "A" game but are out classes by the competitors and that happens too...
But there are those days few and far between, for me atleast, where I have my "A" game and some nebies show up and hand me my ass...And this weekend I learned the definition of humility...

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Through her eyes

I can honestly tell you that sometimes I lead a Movie star life...I have an amazing wife who supports me through some crazy shit...Triathlons, eating contests, Toys (my car). I have two beautiful children that I couldn't love or be more proud of. But every once in a while I realize something is missing, I know it sounds selfish but hear me out. I lost my mother when I was 11, and don't get me wrong when I was young and even into my mid 20's I missed her like nothing I'd ever lost in my life.
But as I got older and things filled the void, I didn't miss her as often, when I did think of her it was with the same yearning. But things like Pep were filling the blackness I had filled up w/over time. When I got married it absolutely crushed me that she could not be there...But it quickly passed w/ the craziness of the day and honeymoon after.
Ironically now my life is crazier than ever with the two little ones...But I find I think of you more often again. At first it was a million questions, was I short or tall, fat or skinny, funny and out going or quiet. God there were and are some many questions that can never be answered...So many pieces missing that I make up to have something to tell Sam...Will I get them right when I have to retell them to bits...I hope so
When I miss you most is when they do the most amazing things, sure there dumb things that all kids do, but there my kids and your grandchildren and you earned the right to see them do them all. If for no other than you made me the man I am today. I wanted you to see them swim in the pool, to Ride a bike, and hear them make up crazy stories of feeding chickens in the baseball field...Maybe more than anything I wanted you to see me fall in love, have my heart broken, pick me up and wipe away the tears, walk down the isle, and bring life in this world...I miss you and I hope "they" are right and you get to look down every once in while and see what a great job you did in the short time you had...

I miss you allot...
I love you more...

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Little fish....

I'm sitting in my car with an hour to kill before my interview, parked on the corner of 12th and Locust trying to stay cool and conspicuous. It's a 102 degree outside and the sun is beating down on my car making it an oven.
I look over at you and I know I'm more comfortable in my suit and black car in this ungodly heat than you are in your own skin and poorly cut daisy dukes. I can’t help but notice all the queens staring and mocking you with their girlie girl giggles and whispers just out of ear shot. You know their talking about you, don’t you, but can’t even hear what they are saying. I can see the sting of their unheard insults in your eyes, and it actually saddens me.
You are shunned by your own peers and I wonder why? What makes you so different from the rest of them??? What is so different that they would make one of there own feel like this? Is it the glaringly obvious choice, that you are the only white person in the area (sorry I can't use man to describe you but I don't think you would want me to)??? Is it your outfit??? I think not, it's no better than the other Queens gathering around. I try to look at other things going on around me but I can't stop watching you, I actually feel bad for you. The desperate look in your eyes, the yearning for just one of them to show a bit of acceptance. We both know this feeling of camaraderie will never come, and it stings you like salt in a wound. I can't help but watch with pity and wonder, why would you want to be accepted here?? They don't want you, you are the wounded gazelle in the heard, shunned and left for predators. There has to be others like you in this big city. I see a look of pathetic hope, almost relief in your face and I can't understand why?!?!? Suddenly out of the corner of my eye, I see the head queen coming to join "her" court. She has a gimp tranny on her arm; it’s the perfect picture of a prisoner w/ his weak bitch in tow…The pack moves to her to pay homage, but you don’t move. Both your eyes meet, has he seen you before, or will I get the rare chance to see this bizarre acceptance ritual?? He walks your way, gimp hobbling as fast as he can to keep up. He’s close now, will you gain acceptance, and sadly I hope so, even though I know you will be miserable….
He keeps walking…you look broken…I see you walk away head down, dejected. I hope I will see you again someday w/ people who will accept you….
I wait another 10 minutes before I go into my interview…I nailed the interview. Maybe I owe you a little thanks for taking my mind off of the interview and not over thinking it. If I get the job I’ll thank you, you’ll never know why but then again you won’t need to, I’m sure it’s been a long time since you’ve been thanked for anything

Monday, July 31, 2006

Somethings will never be for sale

There are things I will swallow my pride for...My children, my wife, my brother and a very few select number of Friends. You can come in here and yell through me to a vendor...You Can come in here and YELL @ me for Fucking up...
But never come in here and a take personal shots @ me...Trust me I'm not an idiot in the sense you think. I might be an idiot for staying here as long as I have. But when I walk away from here and I will. I will never look back don't look back, Trust me you will offer me the world to listen to your immature whine...But My pride is not and neve has been for sale...

Friday, July 28, 2006

Like finding a 5 Leaf clover

Last night I received the surprise of a life time. Pep had to pick up her car from the local car dealer last night, for some general maintenance and getting a hitch installed. Getting the hitch installed is for another time. We dropped it off last night and it was a 4 hour production with where we had to pick up the car she was going to borrow. She asked a mutual friend (Carrots) to give her a ride since I didn't want to drag the little ones all over again... She got home around 9:30-10 which I though was a bit late but paid it no mind. I keep hearing giggling down stairs and assume she is on the phone and go down to see how it went.

To my surprise Carrots was down there and they stopped off for a few drinks. Seems Carrots is upset because her husband hasn't had sex w/ her in months. If you know me or know anything about me, you know I made a dumb ass comment about how I would take care of her and more obnoxious comments that I make to all of Pep's Friends and Family. I open a bottle of wine and join in the discussion, but let them know I'll be right back because I really should put on some shorts, as I'm sitting there in my boxers. Pep says don't bother it'll be less I have to take off later...I laugh knowing it's not true. I notice carrots has been a bit shaken by this comment and stares off in the distance. I look over at her and kind kidding kind of not say, why don't you join us...The normal laughter or sarcastic remark doesn't surface like I expect, and Pep has said nothing yet either. Right now my mind is racing 300 miles an hour, did I go too far, did I say something I shouldn't have...

Pep says "yes...why don't you"....Was she talking to me or her?!?!?! What just happened??!?! My heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest...I need to relax I've been her before and I landed the deal, I can do this. Then I slam on the breaks in my mind...This is a test or a joke, there either going to mock me for years to come over this or she is testing me to see if I would do it. What to do, what to do... So as cool as I can muster I say..."I'm sorry did you say you have the Flu"...her response was simple and to the point "you know what I said". I've know Carrots to brag about a wild past but there is no way she's going for this....Not a chance in hell...She's married she has kids...

She pushes back her chair, oh no we went over the line, she pissed and leaving. She walks over to me, Damn it I'm getting smacked...Carrot looks me right in the face and says "if (insert hubby's name here) is going to use this, then someone should"....I casually mention we should go down to the basement and open another bottle....

I won't get too graphic as this isn't the place for it....But I will tell you there is only one thing better than taking your wife from behind while she pleasures another woman...Taking her friend from behind while she pleasures your wife...

They never installed the hitch and I’ve never been happier with an inept service department…But who am I kidding Lightning never strikes twice

Thursday, July 27, 2006

What do you mean I ignore the obvious?


I not sure why but Pep tells me sometime I ignore the glaringly obvious things in life...What she fails to recognize is I see everything but I choose to ignore the pointless, stupid, obvious and mundane...I think it helps keep Jack a happy boy!!!!

Seems my ship might sail

My "appointment" went well yesterday....Seems I need a second look but it's down to two...And who in there right mind wouldn’t pick me over some smuck from Long Island

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Sunnier Skies

I've been way too angry lately and venting here to today I thought I would pass on some humor (might only be funny to me)....
  1. To Become Bullet proof a person needs to weight in the area of 1400 pounds
  2. Umbilical Cord Clips make excellent "chip clips"
  3. The formula to measure the weight of water in fecal matter to follow....~

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Size 43?!?!?! I'm Easily a size 16 or 17

I love to be patronized, honest I do. Even more so, I especially love to get fucked with...

Let me let you in on a little secret. If you don't want me to do something, say I can't do it and I won't...

BUT, if you say I can do something then stand by your guns and let me do it. If you have the balls to try and to pull the rug out from under me once I’ve tasted an ounce of success...You're going to get quite a surprise.

I will Fuck w/ you and I'm going to fuck w/ you in ways you could never imagine...

Monday, July 24, 2006

Glass Houses and what not

There is nothing I love more than the “Church Going” type person that finds it appropriate to condemn me for not going to church or living the way they live. When they truly live nothing remote close to the lifestyle they preach to me...or try to portray to the world…

Friday, July 21, 2006

The money shot....


I took this shot @ the Pitsburg zoo @ earlier this year....It's one of my favorite...You have to admit you wouldn't want to scrap w/ this MF'er

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Just One of the Boys

Yogi vs. Bush

I am trying to stick w/ our theme of epic battles for the next week or so or at least until the 5th. This is the battle of the Galactically stupid vs. a Baseball catcher....Normally you would think our Commander and chief would be smarter than a hall of fame Catcher from the 40's and 50s but I'll let you decide

Round 1
GW: "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
YB: "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

Round 2
GW: "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ' to be prepared'"
YB: "Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken"

Round 3
GW: "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
YB: "I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house."

Round 4
GW: "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
YB: "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

And the Winner is GW 3-1....But if he is the winner who is the loser....The American People and it's a fucking shame....

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Epic Battles over time

Over my short amount of time on this big Blue Marble...I have witnessed and been a part of a few epic Battles;
Luke vs. Vader
Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster
Clements vs. Piazza
Obi Wan vs. Anakin
G.I. Joe vs. Cobra
And now one of the greatest events of our time, on Aug, 5 2006 @ the North Wales Moe's Southwest Grill....

WING KONG vs. STEAKBELLIE

This meeting of proverbial giants should be an absolute blood bath. Wing Kong (WK) seemingly so unconcerned w/ his first round competition, failed to time himself to see how he will stack against his second round competition. Thought Kong had such a strong showing, it seems Steakbellie had the forethought to have one of his devoted fans and son CL time him, and he posted quite a strong 2 minute 38 second ass whoopin to the competition....Only time will tell in this battle, but I can tell this. Whichever of us comes out on top it will be close and I'm will to put a c note down that the winner of the whole GD thing comes out of the North Wales store....

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Latka is dieing inside

Latka and his wife are watching TV and the old Diet Pepsi commercial comes on and Latka wife says who is that (referring to Ray Charles) Here is how the conversation follows:
"That's Ray Charles...Don't you know who Ray Charles is???"
"Of Coarse I do, that’s Stevie Wonders Father...."

You see why some people shouldn't be allowed to reproduce

Dooms Day is upon Moe's and the weak will not inherit the earth or my custom Chopper

Today is the first round of the Moe's Southwestern Grill Burrito contest. I'm a nervous wreck/ball of Nervous energy/Butterflies are bats, you get what I'm saying...I'm pretty confident I will make it out of this round but who knows...I just need to eat my own race, I'm already hungry and Not sure if I should have a few snacks through out the day or go in there ravenous....Let you know later

From Smokey Joe...To Joey Bag of Donuts

Well it's official SteakBellie and Wing Kong will be in the Moe’s Southwest Grill burrito eating contest. Hopefully we will be bouting it out in the 2nd round of the Moe's Southwest Grill Burritos...I was hoping we would get different stores but alas it was not to be…seems a second round face off vs. a 3rd round clash of the titans, on our way to that sweet ass bike was not to be. Funny would be if neither of our Dumb asses got out of the first round and my foreshadowing jinxes me…Either way good luck old friend and thanks for letting me in on the contest…

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Tuesdays w/ Morie?!?!?! How about lunch w/ Smokey Joe!!!

You might think "Tuesdays w/ Morie" was enlightening and helped you get a better perspective on life, well try lunch w/ Smokey Joe. Frequently I have lunch w/ a co-worker who shall be know thins day forth as Smokey Joe. He has asked for me to use this name as to keep his anonymity. See I get quite an education from Smokey Joe, Smokey play for the other team, or he's a Mo as he likes to call it, you see apparently there is a lot of lingo that goes w/ being gay, it's like a whole new language. Here are a few I've run across it seems we have, vultures, chicken hawks, Mo's, the leather community (which it seems Smokey is a part of), Shrimping (I'll never explain this again), Natural Bottoms and a plethora of others...Seems I could play for his team and live the life of Riley, But I have to tell you I enjoy my team...I like wet holes (seems the old Vag is too wet for our good friend), long slow kisses (5 o'clock shadow less), and I actually enjoy spending a few years trying to get the old lady to give me the forbidden hole (I'm not allowed to call it the dirty one in front of Smokey) and always needing to fall back on a wonderful continence plan which is the big “V” (she's still not budging on the old back door)...Yes dear friend our time together is amusing and informative, but I don’t think the Peter Pan syndrome is for me.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Bad Luck!!!! How about no Luck

I've come to realize I have no luck...It's just a matter of time before the best of things that I think are great, come toppling down like a house of Cards...3 years ago I Spend a week putting in Central Air to save about 2 thousand dollars. 1 Dog w/ big bladder + AC unit equals disaster, and if anyone could have told me that then you're full of shit. How does Dog piss eat a copper coil...But I digress. I get a new Unit for about 800.00 hoping to save 1200.00 that the local HVAC guy told me it would cost to replace. I proceed to put it in, should have taken 4-6 hours three days later it's in. And guess what...It doesn't work and I need to tack it back to the manufacturer. When will I wise up and pay the extra....

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Cows be afraid...Be very afraid

Do you really think man man clawed his way to the top of the food chain to eat soy!!!!!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

53 and 3/4

Sometimes when you see something on TV you think in your head, "I think I cold do that". Hell I've done it on more than one occasion, and one of those times was watching someone eat hotdogs. I was thinking to myself "I can eat 20 or more, how hard can it be", in my head I'm thinking I can eat wings like there is not tomorrow and I was a Wing Bowl Contestant (yet I didn't make it out of the first round)...But that is for another day. So a few months ago we (steakbellie and I) came up with the idea to try out for Nathan. Steakbellie does all the reading up and prep work and we get together for a test run....I think I'm going to do 16 my first run, two packs no problem...7 minutes and 37 seconds later, I'm only 12 hotdogs in, and I'm F'ing dieing...Long story short we trained for a few months and I got up to 16 in training, @ the Philly Qualifier I did 15. I never even got close to my dream of Coney Island and ESPN. To all the guys I've had the privilege of meeting at a few of the contest I've been to, congratulation. Brian, Humble Bob, Crazy Legs, Eater X...I look forward to trying again next year and being up at the table w/ you...Because I will be up at that table on the fourth of July.

Moral of the story: It's not nearly as easy as you think and these guys are no joke, one and all. I can only hope, dream, and train my ass off to get to the big table....

Monday, July 03, 2006

Mumps in the year 2006?!?!?!?!

Who the hell gets mumps?!?!?! Apparently me!!! How you might ask??? Don't ask me...My face swells up no both sides by my jaw so I head to the ER (not my choice but Pep usually knows better)...I become "the Mystery case of the night". "We think it's mumps" says one of DCMH's finest residents, and I do like this guy so there is only a bit of sarcasm in my "finest" comment but not allot. He leaves and confers w/ another Doctor, who comes back pretty quick, guess he couldn't believe it either...Lo and behold he says mumps too but we need some blood tests. MY Reply is if it's not "could it be the Plague??? He didn't laugh...

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Harry Potter?!?!?!?

One of my favorite things in the world is to lay in bed w/ my family on a Saturday or a Sunday morning and just wrestle and be silly and listen to the belly laughs that come out of that and this morning generated one of the best laughs in a long time for everyone...
I get woken up about 7:30 by my Bits (my daughter)scratching and rubbing my chin (I have a goatee)...So I say "Bits???" in my just woke up voice...
"Yes" Says this little innocent voice...
"What are you doing"....
"Fixing your hair...you're hairy...YOUR HARRY POTTER!!!!!!"

It was a good laugh and a great way to start the day

Friday, June 30, 2006

It's like finding a $20 bill in your coat pocket

About a year ago I made a myspace account and never used it I went on there to check out some chick (suprise)...I went back out of sheer curiosity after reading playboy (yes I also read the articles) and low and behold I had a message...I was sure it had to be some crap spam email...But to my supprise it was an old college roommate who emailed me...it was great to hear from her. She is a great friend I shared a lot w/ and we drifted apart...Welcome back old Friend I hope we don't drift this time

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Honey Do List

"OK have a nice Vacation, see you next Week" (Hope you drown)
"Ok Thanks, oh by the way I sent you a "things to work on List"
(WHAT THE F#@K!!!!!, Holy sh!t what am I 15 and getting a choir list) "Great I'll check it out"
"I'd like you to have it finished up by next week"
under my breath as he walks away"and I'd like to get laid 3-4 times a week"
"I'm sorry did you say something"
(your GD right I did) Nope just thanking you for the Honey Do List...See you next week (Dickhead)

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

You talk'in to me Btch


RRRRRRRRRRRR

Mannequin Smile

"Help desk how can I help you" (Help Desk how did i get here, I'm not some help desk Jockey. Oh that's right I work w/ a lazy piece of Sht that won't do his job)
"My Keyboard won't work"
(Who the fck cares) "Have you tried rebooting"
"reboot??? I logged off???"
(Here we go...The winner of gold in the 2000 Idiot Olympics) "Just click on Start and choose shut down and then Choose Restart...."
10 seconds elapse...."Ok I'm done"
(Ok here we go off to the equivalent of an intelligence black whole) "You couldn’t have done it that quick"
"I did, I logged off just like you said"
"I'll be right over to give you a hand" (You shouldn't be allowed to waste oxygen)

It's like Missing Christmas

I had no idea...
Then I stumbled upon it...
It’s like opening the paper and finding out you slept through the Cubs winning a world series....
I MISSED TOAD THE WET SPROCKET...SH!T
I love those guys I know there old school...I digress

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Just Say Congratulation, shut the F'ck up and move on...

Why can't anyone just say congratulations and move on...

Why is it you try to share a special moment w/ people that you think are your friends and you get replies like "I could do that" or "why would you want to do that???"
To those of you who swear they can could eat 4.7 pounds of Shoo Fly Pie in 84 minutes, or 67 Wings in 14 minutes or 15 Hot Dogs in 12 minutes...Please SHUT UP put your money where your mouth is and come w/ me to an event...Pick one I'll eat anything. Don't tell me it easy, don't ask me how F'ing hard can it be, and please don't tell me for the 20th time if you let your insulin drop you could eat pounds and pounds of anything...Trust me you will puke before I'm even full
To the rest of you who can not offer a simple congratulations for the completion of the Triathlon, please know a few things yes you might be able to do the run and may you could do the ride, and I'm sure the swim would be easy for you...The problem is you won't do it you will sit on your ass, and make stupid f'ing comments about how you can do anything I can do, but won't put your ass out there, I might have failed, but I didn't... and even if I had, at least I tried.
In hind sight there are very very few people who could have done both the pie and the Tri in less than 24 hours. One of the few that could is Steakbellie, and his reply to my acheivment, "congrats I'm proud". Eric thank you, you are a true friend
To the rest of you, join me in one or the other or both, if you think you can...But if your not going to atleast try SHUT THE FK UP

Monday, June 26, 2006

24 hour rock star

Saturday at 12:00 through Sunday @ 8:30 am was one of the best 24 hour of my life.

Saturday at noon I (Wing Kong) had the privileged of competing against some of the best eaters in the world @ the Rock Valle Shoo Fly Pie eating contest. What a great time...And a great bunch of guys. It was good to see Humble Bob again he's such a great guy and yes he won it w/ 9+ pounds. I did 4.8 pounds which I thought was respectable...I finally got the chance to talk to talked to Crazy Legs and Tim (Eater X), really cool guys; I had met them @ wing bowl 2005 but didn't get much of a chance to talk to them.

The second part of my world wind weekend was a 6:45 am start in Long Branch NJ for the Long Branch triathlon series. Holy Shit was I a nervous wreck; this was my first Tri so I was a little overwhelmed. It started w/ a 400 yard Swim, the water was 60 GD degrees. Obviously I didn't die from Hyperthermia or drown but there were a few times I thought I was going to...Next was the Ride it went really well, it was rainy the whole race so there were a few crashes. Finally the run, the run part of a Triathlon is not a big mans friend and @ 265 pounds not only is it not my friend it might just be considered a down right enemy. But I did it 3.1 miles...After I was physically spent but I felt really good, I knew I had done something most people thought I couldn't do and deep down I knew I could. So to all of them I want to thank each and every one of you for the extra motivation. For those of you who gave me support and advice, thank you, I'm sure most of you still doubted my fat ass could do it but you still supported and believed in me and I can never thank you enough for that....

Friday, June 23, 2006

Nothing Sexier

Nothing sexier than me in my wetsuit (there is allot of sarcasm in that one)...Sunday is the Longbranch Triathlon and I'm scared shitless, I know I can do it. This is my first and I truely hope not my last.....I'll let you know on Monday

Even Neil got it wrong the first time...


That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind....
Or was it supposed to be
That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind