Will it Blend!!!!!!

I'm not kidding or exaggerating when I say this....This is the funniest site I've visited in a long time. I stayed up in bed until about 11:30 last night watching all of them...

http://www.willitblend.com/



Who ever thought this up is an F'ing marking genius...I actually went as far as getting out of bed @ quarter to twelve last night to order the home version which mind you is the one he uses in the videos. I honestly can not fathom how insanely awesome the commercial version would be. Alas I thought better of it once my feet hit the cold linoleum and realized Peep would flipping kill me...

When did it become ok

I am a huge fan of women, I love the female anatomy and always have. But since I've become married I have been happily following the look don't touch rule. Hence I have learned to love from a distance except w/ my beautiful wife of coarse.

I will admit my tastes have become more diverse, I like all shapes and most sizes, big and small boobs, Big asses and little asses...You get the idea. No one enjoys the rare siting of a nice whale tail more than me.

But could someone please tell me when it became acceptable for a woman to wear a shirt that was too short and tight w/ a Fat roll??? I work in an office that is "Business Casual" and the number of woman w/ there rolls hanging out is crazy. It takes everything in me to say "do you really think that looks good?"

I'm a fat ass and you don't see me walking around w/ a half shirt....NO!!!! And do you know why it not pretty and no one should be subject to it that didn't willingly marry me. Here is a hint, leave whatever it is your hiding under there to the imagination of the viewer. Once the present is opened there is no more suprise.

God protects the young and stupid

I love this guy...Absolutely love him. Just read the article then tell me you didn't at least think about trying it...In hind site I wouldn't need the bags of water because I'd probably piss myself.

Did Philip Fart?

Did Philip Fart?

What do you think?

This is going to be one ugly Kid

A Dhali Moment

Suddenly I find myself sitting on park bench overlooking a beautiful river, the view is simply beautiful. The smells and sounds fill my mind w/ memories, of childhood. Yet I can not place where I am, I know I've been here. I look everywhere for a sign to clue me in on where I am or how I got there, but there isn't even anyone to ask. Ironically I find I don't care, it is so relaxing to finally enjoy some of the childhood I seemed to have forgotten over time.

I am suddenly startled by movement on the bench, yet no one was here just seconds ago. As I look over I notice a skinny weathered old man. I can't help but stare, I know that face. I feel lulled into sense of security so I simply inquire, "Who are you???" In a voice eerily familiar "An old acquaintance, why?"
What are you doing here?
"I've come to warn you..."
"About?"
Impatiently as if pressed for time "Becoming a father!!!"
"What are you talking about, I think I'll be a great Dad..."
"You never will be. Trust me, I've seen it, I've been there..."
"Who are you?!?!?! You don't even know me."
"I know you, I'm just like you, Hell I practically am you. But not why I'm here. so shut up and listen. You are going to be a failure as a father, so please don't ruin the lives of your children like your life was."
"What the fuck are you talking about?? My life was ruined by anyone."
"Not even that piece of shit father of yours???"
"NO, please I couldn't have had a better role model on how to be a father"
"WHAT!!!! He was a drunk, he abandoned you, he lied to you...and you will be just like him, it's in your blood"
"I've thought of all that, I've spent more time than I honestly should have...but honestly, think about it, what a better role model than to have the complete polar opposite of what you want to be...."

Silence sets in between myself and the stranger...I know in my heart of hearts that those final words are worse than anything I could have said or done to him. Sadly I know who he is, I guess I've known in the back of my mind the whole time. I get up from the bench to walk away. A meek and desperate voice calls to me "Where are you going???" I say nothing, I don't need to. "you need to listen to me about this"...Still nothing from me. I look back and I see the tears rolling down is cheeks, I know he thinks he failed to deliver his mistimed unwanted message. Like a speech that has been practiced a million times the words roll of my tongue, "Jim" I see the look of utter surprise on his face "or should I say DAD, if you came her for forgiveness you wasted both our times...I could never be like you...I know all to well what it's like to have no one, they never will. If you are looking for forgiveness, you came to the wrong place"

Suddenly the alarm is going off, I quickly hit snooze knowing I don't want to wake my son or daughter who might have snuck in my bed during the night...I look over and see my daughter, and I'm overcome with a feeling of confidence. Because I know, no matter how bad of a job as a father I might do from time to time...I'll still be better than you.

I have witnessed the Future of my hair line

Seems through the magic of science and computers we can see what we will look like in 10, 20 0r 30 years...Unfortunately I am able to afford those ways...So I bought a $30 pair of clippers. Sounded like a good idea at the time...

If you have kids...This all makes sense

Obvious HR infraction

Yesterday t seems I had, what has been deemed a gross misjudgement in the musical lyrics I chose to sing at work yesterday. Please note it was those uptight HR people that found this infraction worthy of a written reprimand. I'll leave you w/ the lyrics and you decide if it warranted being written up...

There's a skeeter on my Peter
Whack it off....

A picture is worth a thousand words

Apparently there is a God

My New Guise

I figured I need a new guise to eat under, something that would make up for my inability to break on to the winners stand...Something that would make sure people remember me...So I found a costume that seemed like it would make an impression on people. This is the one I settled on and I plan on introducing it in Memphis this year for Krystals....Be honest is it to loose

Once in a while I would like to sleep in

Monday through Friday I can't get there little asses up...But Saturday and Sunday I'm luck if it's 6:30 or 7:00....





THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
NEVER MARRY A MORNING PERSON...YOU'LL ONLY SPAWN MORNING CHILDREN

A good day

It was a good day...A very good day

Name That Movie

Mother is the name of God on the hearts and lips of children...

Talk about Irony

Holy Shit you want to talk about irony...I could be wrong, but judging by his hat, this guy just ain't gonna make it!!!!

I f'ing love this joke

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly Stated,

"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued By the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly".

Virginia Tech

I just read about the Virginia Tech shooting. It appears that classes were canceled via E-mail. Part of me is shocked that that was all they did, but then I realized that there isn't a better way to announce this on a spread out campus...

Another fork in the road (Part 2)

I lie awake with a deep restlessness, I was anxiously awaiting his return...I knew he wanted his answer and I wanted this over with, once and for all. I had wasted so many waking hours second guessing myself and trying to decide on what path I would find my destiny. As sleep was desperately beckoning me, I slowly succumbed to it.

With the subtly of a freight train I was jarred from my rest by his untimely arrived. In that cynical tone he began his prodding...“What are you doing, going to sleep?"..."Taking the easy way again I see, that’s just like you.” My mind was filled with delirium from my lack of sleep, so I simply stated “I have your answer, or is it my answer? Either way I have it.” Excitedly he replied “It OUR answer and OUR problem, so leave your little identity crisis for another day…What have you chosen? I can’t wait to move on…” Defiantly the answer left my lips, and stung with the poison I wanted it to, “I have decided to stay exactly where I am, on the the very path I chose for myself along time ago.” Viciously and with the feel of disdain, he screamed at me so loud I thought he might wake Pep or the kids. “NO, YOU HAVE NOT FOOL! YOU HAVE SAT IDEALLY WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO MAKE THE DECISION FOR YOU!!!" I replied sternly "Lower your voice, no one can hear you but me and I will not tolerate rudeness from anyone" then in almost a whisper "I have chosen to remain on the path, that was made by me, and me alone." I know he is disappointed as he grows quite, his words taking on the tone of a broken man..."how could you do this to me...I have waited far to long for you to just sit here forever." I begin to approach him as if he is an angry child, and I realize he is.

"We have sat no where for all these years. What I have done is cut my own path between the two roads society set before us. We have never truly fit on either, We live for the moment and enjoy it to it's fullest potential, and that is when I walk parallel to that path. But anyone who doesn't remember his past as opposed to dwelling in it, is destined to repeat it...Now leave me alone, I need some sleep I've got to train for South Carolina...and the fish tank leaks

Another fork in the road (Part 1)

As some would say, I leisurely stroll along the path of life, yet I am continually presented w/ choices, forks in the road if you will. Not unlike yourselves, but while lying in bed last night I hear a voice that startled me. A voice I had not heard from in a long time a voice I knew all to well, and it asked me a simple question;

“We have been at this fork for far too long. What will you choose, a life of happiness or a life of meaning???” sluggishly I respond “WHAT, who is that???”
“You know who it is dumb ass, just answer the question, happiness or meaning?” And in my heart I know who it is but I don’t want to do this now. So with heavy eyes and a cloudy mind I respond meekly “Not this, not now, Pleeeaaase. I’m tired and I want to go to sleep” Then voice growls at me with a growing sense of impatient “Stop whining, we are at an impasse and need to move forward or we will wither and die here” “Why?!?!?!?! I’m in a comfortable place, and I like it.” But even more annoyed the voice rings back “That’s the problem, your comfortable and content with mediocrity and being miserable, NOW WHICH WILL IT BE??” So with the taste of defiance on my tongue I spout back “Fine I choose both.” quickly and with out a moments hesitation “You can’t…”

I am quite taken by this, and now I must ask the simple but poignant question “Why?!?!?!” The silence is deafening and seems to take forever but I know this answer is going to break me. So I humbly say "I want to have both…I need to have both, why cant I have it my way?" Then with a hint of sarcasm as he begins the diatribe “It can’t be done…it is two very different paths. To be absolutely happy you must live absolutely in the present. No thought of what has gone before and no thought of what lies ahead! But a life with meaning, a man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess with the future…Now you must choose or we will be stuck in this limbo forever”.

I lay there and think for what seems an eternity, left with only my thoughts and a sense of self imposed need to decide. Finally I call out, nervous and unsure of the answer I will get. Like a child asking permission for the first time to go to an all night party “I need time to ponder upon this”. Dissatisfied and disgusted he tells me “You have had a life time to think about this…just make a decision and live with the consequences”...“I know but I need more time, there is more at stake now than just me, what about my wife my children it impacts the people who I love most"

Slowly I hear the sound of his impatient breathing subside and my own terrified heartbeat begin to slow. I know he is gone for now, displeased with my inability to decide the path I should choose and disheartened the years it has taken me to make it...Slowly my eyes grow heavy and the sleep takes me, I am lucky that I am incapable of dreams so this daunting question can not invade my slumber. But it will occupy my every waking moment until I can decide…

The Proper way to pronounce Oklahoma

The Proper way to pronounce Oklahoma is

Okla ... Homa

There is a pause between the A and H