Another fork in the road (Part 1)

As some would say, I leisurely stroll along the path of life, yet I am continually presented w/ choices, forks in the road if you will. Not unlike yourselves, but while lying in bed last night I hear a voice that startled me. A voice I had not heard from in a long time a voice I knew all to well, and it asked me a simple question;

“We have been at this fork for far too long. What will you choose, a life of happiness or a life of meaning???” sluggishly I respond “WHAT, who is that???”
“You know who it is dumb ass, just answer the question, happiness or meaning?” And in my heart I know who it is but I don’t want to do this now. So with heavy eyes and a cloudy mind I respond meekly “Not this, not now, Pleeeaaase. I’m tired and I want to go to sleep” Then voice growls at me with a growing sense of impatient “Stop whining, we are at an impasse and need to move forward or we will wither and die here” “Why?!?!?!?! I’m in a comfortable place, and I like it.” But even more annoyed the voice rings back “That’s the problem, your comfortable and content with mediocrity and being miserable, NOW WHICH WILL IT BE??” So with the taste of defiance on my tongue I spout back “Fine I choose both.” quickly and with out a moments hesitation “You can’t…”

I am quite taken by this, and now I must ask the simple but poignant question “Why?!?!?!” The silence is deafening and seems to take forever but I know this answer is going to break me. So I humbly say "I want to have both…I need to have both, why cant I have it my way?" Then with a hint of sarcasm as he begins the diatribe “It can’t be done…it is two very different paths. To be absolutely happy you must live absolutely in the present. No thought of what has gone before and no thought of what lies ahead! But a life with meaning, a man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess with the future…Now you must choose or we will be stuck in this limbo forever”.

I lay there and think for what seems an eternity, left with only my thoughts and a sense of self imposed need to decide. Finally I call out, nervous and unsure of the answer I will get. Like a child asking permission for the first time to go to an all night party “I need time to ponder upon this”. Dissatisfied and disgusted he tells me “You have had a life time to think about this…just make a decision and live with the consequences”...“I know but I need more time, there is more at stake now than just me, what about my wife my children it impacts the people who I love most"

Slowly I hear the sound of his impatient breathing subside and my own terrified heartbeat begin to slow. I know he is gone for now, displeased with my inability to decide the path I should choose and disheartened the years it has taken me to make it...Slowly my eyes grow heavy and the sleep takes me, I am lucky that I am incapable of dreams so this daunting question can not invade my slumber. But it will occupy my every waking moment until I can decide…