I can honestly tell you that sometimes I lead a Movie star life...I have an amazing wife who supports me through some crazy shit...Triathlons, eating contests, Toys (my car). I have two beautiful children that I couldn't love or be more proud of. But every once in a while I realize something is missing, I know it sounds selfish but hear me out. I lost my mother when I was 11, and don't get me wrong when I was young and even into my mid 20's I missed her like nothing I'd ever lost in my life.
But as I got older and things filled the void, I didn't miss her as often, when I did think of her it was with the same yearning. But things like Pep were filling the blackness I had filled up w/over time. When I got married it absolutely crushed me that she could not be there...But it quickly passed w/ the craziness of the day and honeymoon after.
Ironically now my life is crazier than ever with the two little ones...But I find I think of you more often again. At first it was a million questions, was I short or tall, fat or skinny, funny and out going or quiet. God there were and are some many questions that can never be answered...So many pieces missing that I make up to have something to tell Sam...Will I get them right when I have to retell them to bits...I hope so
When I miss you most is when they do the most amazing things, sure there dumb things that all kids do, but there my kids and your grandchildren and you earned the right to see them do them all. If for no other than you made me the man I am today. I wanted you to see them swim in the pool, to Ride a bike, and hear them make up crazy stories of feeding chickens in the baseball field...Maybe more than anything I wanted you to see me fall in love, have my heart broken, pick me up and wipe away the tears, walk down the isle, and bring life in this world...I miss you and I hope "they" are right and you get to look down every once in while and see what a great job you did in the short time you had...
I miss you allot...
I love you more...
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watched my father rot away from aids when I was in my 20's. I didn;t know him until he called me and wanted to meet up, he gave me an adress I went, he was in a hospital bed dying. he actually tried to lie and tell me he had lime disease, what a douchebag, haha....but he made me laugh, that's all he had to offer. I filled my void with activity, I raced to something starting at a very young age and quit the day he died, I guess I didn;t need to race to anything anymore i guess. maybe that's why I was doing it. On the bike I was ferocious, vicious, I wanted to slay everyone, I didn;t slay much but I tried. I was always ready for battle, on or off of the bike. I learned to take charge at a young age, I don;t know how to give it up, I never will learn that either. I look at my kids and wish he could just see them, he'd feel stupid for leaving, and understand that there was more than him involved in whatever he was doing or not doing. If only they could see what we have acheived and what we haven;t done, which is as important as doing. I ask no one for approval, because I never sought out any, I did what I needed to do, still do...so did he I guess. My mom says I'm just like him too, but she laughs and says, " but only the good tuff, that's it!!" whatever that means.......
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